The Mallory Witch Project

Hello movie watchers! Well, based on the success of the The Blair Witch Project I've decided to film my own and then sell it for MILLIONS! Being that I know I have a very exciting life, and I always have the feeling that I'm being watched, I thought that my story would make for an excellent film....or DAT tapes, or whatever that you kids are using now in your movie cameras. Today was day one in filming.
As usual, our star (that's me) starts her day with a quick snack of bread and cream cheese...delish! And, as usuall, she feels a bit like she's being watched, but she's never able to quite put her finger on it.

I have to be honest with you...I know that I had my sippy cup and some Cheerios here a second ago, and now they're gone...also, I feel like someone is rearranging my stuffed animals....what gives?

Okay, people listen up: this is not a test, Im seriously freaking out.... half my sandwich is gone, my water is gone, and the animals are all moving around when I turn my back...I'm sure of it! I'm not just freaking out, somethings going on here!

Man, I just need to clear my head and finish what's left of my food before it goes away again....man, I'm freaked out....I think the walls are closing in on me....I even feel like I hear laughter.....Is Grover starring at me?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freak out!!!!!!!!!!!! Evil Tigger!!!!!!

Sunday Ritual

So, for reasons beyond my ability to understand, dad gets up every Sunday before sunrise and Mallory-rise and goes for a "long run." I have no idea how far he goes, but lord knows he does not look good when he gets back! And, every time when he gets back from his run, he grabs all the ice in the house, fills the tub with cold water, dumps the ice in, and slowly - screaming the whole way - lowers himself in....no one said the guy was smart.

So, over the last few months, I've been watching from the floor and laughing at him...but this past Sunday I decided to see what it was all about and demanded that me and my plastic chicken be allowed to take part in this ice bath...but from a distance.

So, we sat on the edge and watched as dad winced and complained while sitting in the water....no sure why he insists on doing this if it's such a pain!

Finally, after hearing enough of his complaining, I grabbed the sprayer and was getting ready to spray him, when he reached up and grabbed me and made me stand in the water...COLD! I screamed like a baby girl....which I think was appropriate...but damn....I think from now on I'll stick to watching and snickering from outside the tub.

It's HUGE!

So, its the weekend and, of course, we headed off to the park. We found all kinds of new things to play on, including this weird metal cage that goes from one part to another. It was all fine and good, but its real usefulness was that it helped me see other parts of the park that I couldn't see from ground level.

And, what did I see? What was such a beautiful site that I grinned from ear to ear and pointed and squealed like a piggy?

The BIGGEST slide ever! So, I dragged dad over to the slide and made him take me up the steps on the right of the slide....if you can call them steps. If you look closely at the photo, you can see dad and I whizzing down one of the slides. You'll also notice that the girl next to us in the other slide is waaaaay behind us.

However, if you'll notice now, that girl who was waaaay behind us, actually finished at the same time we did. As you might have guessed, I was not happy about that at all. I inquired with my father as to what he had done to slow us down so much. After trying to blame me for our sluggishness, he ended up blaming something called a "wedgie". He went on to explain that his pants were balling up in a very uncomfortable manner and that it was they - his pants - that were slowing us down. I have no idea what he was talking about or how this wedgie fellow factored into the situation, or why this wedgie was holding us back, but dad seemed fairly happy that he had been wearing workout shorts when this wedgie attacked. Is that a show on Fox? When Wedgies Attack? Mom, get my agent on the phone!

T is for Tuckohh! - T says Tuh!

So! nutty mom apparently thinks I am behind on my skills and that I should be spelling by now because she has gotten me this neat-o toy that says the name of all the letters when I put them in this talking machine. Sometimes she does it with me and tells me words that start with the letter. My favorite letter is the letter T!



Yesterday when we were going through our letters Tucker (Tuckoh!) came in to watch and I decided to show mom my new found skills by pointing out that T is if for Tucker (Tuckoh!) Needless to say, I rewarded the fat cat with a beat down to really get my point across. Both he and mom were very impressed!

Corporal Punishment (also my wrestling name)

Ok, so generally speaking I’m totally against beating people to teach them a lesson…but I’ve got a bit of a conundrum. You see, Tucker cat likes to be beaten…so, here’s my question, do I spank him when he’s good? And, if he’s bad, do I pet him? I’m really confused. Let’s look at this issue in real a real world situation. You see, the other day Tucker cat and I were chilling and I went over to pet him and he was totally good about it; he didn’t try to scratch me or run off, just let me pet him and pull on him a bit. So, how does one reward a cat who likes to have his butt kicked?

Well, I decided that I would error on the side of safety and beat the hell out of him….and of course he loved it. So, I got out some aggression and Tucker cat got a good wholesome butt beating. Really, its a win-win.

Oh…Bar Tender!

Yes, that’s right; they’ve put me to work….as a bartender! HA! I’m so talented. So, let me walk you through how I go about making a drink for dad and Doggy Max. First, you take the Sponge Bob sippy cup.

Next, you head over to your bar setup and start adding your choice of spirits, dad likes Sidecars, so it takes a bit more work, but I’m all about hard work.....or something.
Next, you SHAKE! Mix it up really good.
Lastly, you hand it to dad and Doggy Max and after they have a couple of drinks, they take a loooong nap, and mom and I take his wallet and head out to play my favorite game: Pushing dad’s Credit Limit. YEAHAA!

A Ride in the Park

So, mom and I headed off to the park for some fun and…well, hell, what else matters? Anyway, so we were chilling and messing with toys they have scattered around this very big park and that was good in all.

But then, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something that was far too exciting to not go confront pronto!

So, using my newly acquired skills, I rushed right over!
HA! HA! HA! I’m the best jockey in jockey town!

You there…I hear you snicker at me, don’t make me get off my steed and head over there to kick your ass!

A Perfect Sized Jockey!

People, this might come as some surprise, but I’m perfect! Well, I mean not just “perfect” perfect, but perfect sized for a jockey! I could totally do it! Check the form! Look at the posture, the positioning, the grace, the serious face! Um…that stuff does matter in horse racing right? It’s all about how you look on your mount?

Also, one quick thing I have to say about my personal beliefs about horse racing: I’m against using a whip. I know that this has been kind of in the news after the most recent couple of Kentucky Derbies, so I wanted to make sure that my position on this controversy was clear and on the record.

You see, I don’t really see any reason to use a crop, when all you really need to do is whisper in the horsey’s ear that you want him to ride a bit faster…so simple! I'm the fricking Horse Whisper!

However, if that does not work, I’ve found that a quick nibble is also very motivational! Chew your way to victory!!

Pout!

Well, dad took off again for work a left me here all by my lonesome...well, mom's here, but still! He said goodbye, gave me a wave and he was off. I searched high and low, wobbling from room to room screaming - "Daddy! Daddy!" nothing....I even checked the bathroom and is bedroom and he was gone! So, now I'm going to sit here and pout! I also have several new teeth coming in, so that's not helping the situation.

Wait! What is this? What is the mother doing?!

HA! We're cooking! Love it! That's all I need for a good time: 2 flour sifters, a wooden spoon, and a big metal one! Dad who? I'm cooking with mom!

A New Park!

Since we've been back in town, I've haven't had a chance to meet up with my homey Kate, so I was pumped today when I learned that we were heading out for a play-date with Kate and that we'd be visiting a new park!
Kate has been walking for a while, so she has mad skills on her toes. Although she's currently resting on this bolder, don't get confused into thinking that she can't run with the best of them...just ask her mom how long it takes once she turns her back for Kate to just disappear.

So, while Kate was running all over trying to show me all the cool stuff at this park, I was slowly making my way around...wobbling kind of like a drunken midget. Not sure if them helped or hurt me, but I was also showing off my very cool new camo shoes....people, I'm cutting edge, follow me to fall fashion!

After a bit of consideration, both Kate and I agreed that this was the best toy at the place. Pay attention now: you grab these metal bars and aggressively shake yourself back and forth the wiggle and make music! HA! Dope.

All in all, I'd have to say that we had a great time and that we will definitely be back to this park in the near future, I'd give it an 8 out of 10. The reason its not a 10? No edamame. But, in closing, just want to give a shout-out to the designers of our new park, well done!

Why are you all so loud?!?!!!

Way back in the day when I was a baby (about 6 months ago) mom used to take me to this music class where we would meet Henry and his Mommy, Regan. Its was a great time, everyone smiled clapped, danced and sang together while I thumped my drum or whatever was in reach as I was not on the move like I am now.

I'm not sure why we stopped going to that class, personally I think they couldn't tolerate moms horrendous singing anymore, so we moved on..

Low and behold, today mom wake me up from my nap and said we had to hurry as we were off to music class again! I wondered what she did to get back in the class but when we arrived I noticed that mom had found yet another unsuspecting music group and we would soon be out of this one too.

Mom's back and life is normal....

I don't remember exactly what the Beastie Boys said about a daily routine, but I have one I like, and now that mom's home, we're back at it....thankfully! Sure, breakfast with dad was okay, but his spoon and fork skills need some series work.
Anyway, now that we're back to my daily routine, I first like to start out by emptying out the drawer that contains all my drinking and eating paraphernalia. Mom and dad have been resisting Mallory-Proofing the house, so right now they just scream at me when I touch cabinets that I'm not supposed to, but this one they allow me to play with all I like.

So, once I've taken something out of the drawer, I'm on to step two: dispersing them around the kitchen. I usually pick up an item or three and try to find a place that I can hide them.

However, today I got distracted. As i was passing by the backdoor, I noticed Tucker! Tucker is on of our cats. Tucker is a very special cat because he let's me beat the living hell out of him...and he actually loves it! So, unlike a certain Brown Dog, when Tucker sees me coming, he just sits there and waits for his beating...awesome! Since Tucker is kind to me and allows me to "play" with him, I've done him the honor of learning his name. FYI, although his named is spelled Tucker, its actually pronounced "Tukohh", kind of like I'm from Boston....but worse.

Anyway, after I waited unsuccessfully by the cat door for Tucker to enter the house, I finally made it over to my window sill for a much needed rest. For some reason, I like to sit here, rest, and take sips of water out of my Sponge Bob sippy cup. Don't really know what draws me to this place, but I do love a good sit, and this place has the best sit around.

Science!

So mom has left us. Yesterday she wished me luck, picked up her bag, and headed to the airport. Apparently, she left dad in charge....frightening! Anyway, while mom was off with my college fund at some party hanging out with her new best buddy, dad and I were conducting very important scientific experiment.

What science you ask? Science SO important that we're asking for an earmark to help cover the cost of future work. More, more specifically, we were working hard to determine if an edamame could survive the human digestional tract.
So, our work began last night during dinner. Dad's hard work came first. His job was to shuck the edamame as quickly as he could. My job? To eat them as quickly as a I could and as many as I could. After about 20 minutes of hard work on both our parts, the experimental belly was full, and it was time for the real science to begin!
I'll spare you the grizzly details - and pictures - but needless to say, at about 7:45 this morning, our proverbial egg timer went off and we had our answer! After ripping a huge fart, and giggling like crazed genius, I produced our test results for dad to review.....the answer to our query: YES! Edamame can in fact survive the digestions tract intact! Those are some powerful little soy products! However, on the whole, I could have to say that the majority of the beans were....um....converted, although as stated, some did survive. Also, as a footnote, I want to add that I tried repeatedly and aggressively to review the science on my own but dad refused...so much for peer review. More science later.

Ain't nothing gunna break my stride....

Sure, one could watch in awe of the way I glide effortlessly across the floor. Or one could stair in envy at the way I command beasts twice my size to stay the hells out of my way. BUT, what I think is the most impressive of everything in this video, is the awesome grasp which I have on the power of magic! If you'll notice, when I first start my stroll across the kitchen floor, in my hand is one, full, large, ripe, strawberry. Then, moments later, GONE! POOF! Shazam! (And not that horrid movie with Shaq in it.) I've got the power!

And one more point, if you watch closely, you'll also notice at the end of my video, how I magically make my hands all clean, and magically cover the back of the chair with strawberry juice. Sensational!

I'm walkin' yes indeed...well, kind of...

So, I'm working hard on my walking.  I've got my new wagon/pushcart from my homey Tyler, who says only babies need to push on something to walk....whatever bozo.

Anyway, I'm walking, and I'm talking...and then things get a bit out of hand, but I get it back under control.  It appears, after reviewing the game day film, that my mistake was trying to give the camera a big smile.  Rockie mistake.  If nothing else, dad has taught me to glare at everyone and everything...no more smiles.

And, in furtherance of my no more smiles mantra, I was giving my pal Ernie a free ride down the street when he started talking trash, so I had to open up a can of whoop-ass on him and give me a regular-ol' street beat down.  You can consider yourself lucky that you only witnessed one body slam into the cement sidewalk.  Needless to say, once the cameras were turned off, Erie took a solid beating!  

We're going to the beach?!?!

You can put me down as a bit confused. You see, I think that we just spent 6 hours in a freaking plane to get away from a beach and to get home...but alas....mom said we're going to go have lunch on the beach. Don't get me wrong, while I was excited at the prospect, I'm a bit suspicious...are we really going to the doctor or something?
So, off we went, and low and behold, a beach! We walked, we splashed, we poop-shoot-scooted, it was grand! (Hey, no comments on the legs, I'm a power-lifter! Back off!)

When I confronted mom and dad about where we were, they assured me that we were back at home, and then mom pointed over dad's shoulder and if you look close, you can see the very top of the gigantic international orange colored finger pointing towards the sky....yet, wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it, but we are indeed home and, even more shockingly, its warm here!

Back in Black! Well, not black per se, more of a....

So, its our first day back in the city. I didn't sleep great last night, kind of having some issues adjusting to the time zones and such, and I guess as some form of weird punishment, mom decide to put the strangest combination of clothes I've ever seen on me.



That hat is one thing....but the socks? With the ice cream pjs? Really?



Well, being that I've got things to do, I tried my best to get to work on my playing and generally keeping busy with a bunch of toys I haven't seen in a month. It's hard work moving from one room to the other playing with toys, but I'm a professional, so I make due.


Big smiles because my old toys seem like new! Short term memories rule!

Ok, playing was fun....but I'm kind of getting hot in my wool hat and big socks....will someone open a window for me...or help me open one?


Seriously. I'm sweating...open a damn window!