Little Bunny Foo Foo? AHHHHHHHH!!!!

So, on occasion when I'm not watching Sponge Bob on TV, mom or dad will tell me a fairy tail. Today we learned all about Little Bunny Foo Foo....and oh my god, I'm never going in the woods again, that is one scary bunny with a whole lot of anger issues. I think from now on before my parents decide to tell me a story, they should consider the story and maybe think it through a bit....damn.

Romeo? Not so much.

Let me introduce you to my good friend Tyler - aka T-Bone, aka Dave, Jr. My buddy Tyler and I went on a picnic the other day and he was laying on the charm something crazy! This picture captures the following conversation:

Tyler - You are so pretty.

Me - Um, thank you.

Tyler - Why do you hide your lovely eyes under such a big hat?

Me - Mom kind of picks my outfits and I don't want to get too much sun?

Tyler - You really should show the world your beauty!

Me - Um...sure, okay, thanks!

About 20 seconds after this photo was taken, Tyler spotted something shiny behind me and proceeded to demonstrate his newly acquired crawling skills by getting on all fours, lowering his head, knocked me on my back and calmly climbed up over me in hot pursuit of the mylar balloon behind me.

Sigh....so much for love.

Wax on! (Karate Kid anyone?)

So, dad and I have been spending an inordinate amount of time together as mom has to try to

deal with all the stuff going on down here in Greensboro. Frankly, I've have enough of old Papi, so today when I reached my limit, I knocked his hat off, and when he leaned forward to readjust, I punched him in the nose - Steven Seagal would have been proud. While some people find this kind of violence offensive, I found it to be a bit therapeutic....it was like a weight being lifted. It actually made me smile. Now, someone bring me my mother before I have to throw down again!

Giddyup!

So, mom has not been in a very happy mood as of late, so I decide that the best cure for what ales her, was to play horsey! For those of you who are not familiar with this game, it entails me stilling on mom's back, digging my heals into her sides and yanking on small handfuls of hair....as you can no doubt tell, its a great game! Although mom might not have enjoyed the game quite as much as I, she did seem to be pretty amused by my less than graceful dismount onto my face.

Heart of Sadness, Diaper of Poo.

Well, we are on the road. Yesterday mom and Aunt Maggie loaded me up and we took off from home on our way to Greensboro at 4:45am. It was a long day, but we all made it. One of the things I've learned so far is that I need a bigger sized diaper, because the one I was wearing just don't hold the load, so to speak.

Mom and Aunt Maggie and V are doing okay. Sad, but they are keeping busy with the details. I've gotten to meet some family I never knew I had...not really sure what the official name for my Grandfather's sister is, but I got to meet her and her family, all very nice people....even though I was kind of a wreck after spending all day on planes.

Anyway, the ladies are working on the details and I'll pass them along when I know them.

Toodles.

Papa Bear has left the building!

Usually my posts are a bit on the angry side but today everyone in our house is

more than sad. I am usually the one that does all the crying but my Mom seems to think its a contest now. According to my Mom & Dad my Grand-Papa Bear has gone to "Bear Heaven". 

From what she has told me, he was an amazing person that would have always made me feel loved and accepted me for me no matter how many tantrums or poopy diapers! (wow!) I think I missed out getting to know him but lucky for me........        my Mom says he will always be looking out for me and that he loved me more than words can express - so I figure its not so bad. He must have been an incredible person for my Mom to miss him so much when he has hardly been gone that long!

Really? I have ANOTHER one?

Okay, so you wont believe this but it turns out that I have another Grandmother! This one came all the way from a place called Buffalo (I thought that was just a nickname Dad gave Mom!?!) Anywho, she makes me laugh and calls me "Honey" all the time AND brought me this awesome duck that quacks on & on...faaaantastic!

Best Toy Ever!

So, mom finally let me play with this toy that has been stalking me since birth. I was not really sure what to make of this toy at first, and let me tell you, this toy is fast! But, due to my cunning and own cat-like reflexes, I was finally able to get a hold of the toy and make it stop moving. Sadly, this didn't last for long....apparently, it has a defense mechanism where to can disconnect itself from its fur, awesome! So after our first encounter, all I was left with was a handful of hair....next time I'm going for the tail!

Well, I never!

I resent the suggestion that I had anything to do with it, so stop asking me about it. For the last time, I have no idea what happened to the Cheerios. Why don’t you ask the dogs? I really think that it’s unfair and prejudicial that you assume, when something goes wrong, that I must have had something to do with it. Finally, I would like to suggest that the dog might just have pooped in my diaper, so you’re going to want to get on that pronto.

Rabit Stew?

I don't now how many of you have enjoy the autobiography by a feller named Peter Rabbit, but I had a chance to take a bite out of it a little bit ago and I have to say I was disappointed. I've heard all this blabbering about what a great book it was, and such and such, but how I needed to prepare myself for the part about rabbit stew. Great, sounds grand! Needless to say, i was VERY excited about the prospects. So, in my preparation for this so called rabbit stew, I fasted for a week, and you know what, when I finally got a chance to wrap my lips around that book, it tasted like crap! If that's rabbit stew, someone cream me some more lentils...damn.

No!

1) Feed me!

2) No. I will not remove my feet from the table.

3) Make me.

4) Don't you dare try to wipe the crusty food off my face, neck or hands.

5) Don't make me scream at you.

6) That's what I thought....now more apple sauce and less creamed lentils damn it.

Owwwwww!

Apparently, my teeth are still on the move. Sure, we've all seen evidence of them by this point, but that does not mean that they still don't wake me up for a good scream on occasion. I had to share my pain with mom and dad last night, gave them a couple of late-night shout-outs just to remind them that I'm not really all that happy with the mouth. However, and regardless, because I am a professional, when I see a camera I smile, no matter my personal suffering.

Follow me lucky charms....

This posting is in addition to the one below...

You said a green BEAGLE!

Because Annie my favorite Irish nanny has today off, mom and dad promised me something special: a green beagle! I mean, how great does that sound? Let’s break it down: 1) Another dog – awesome! 2) It’s green – Holla! 3) It’s mine – winner!!
So, all night I waited and then finally they brought it in to me….what the hell is this thing? It’s not furry. It’s not friendly. I can’t even break its skin with my teeth…What the hell am I supposed to do with it?! And to make matters worse, to complete my humiliation and disappointment, you dress me up in a shirt, hand me my “beagle” and take pictures? What is this meaning of this St. Patrick’s Day? Screw with your baby day? Who is this St. Patrick and why does he hate me so?

My ADIDAS!

In honor of my aunt’s favorite TV show: Run’s House, I thought I would break out my ADIDAS track suit. While some might see it simply as a RUN DMC statement, I like to look at it as also a old school Beastie Boys reference….but that’s just me. Also, try to ignore the fact that my shoes are Pumas…mom will not let me wear my ADIDAS kicks because she says that since I took the laces out (naturally), they are too dangerous.

Sweaty Hooves!

Can you smell them? Frankly, they do smell a bit…well, more than a bit. It’s strange, I don’t move around much, don’t run, workout, or do anything that would make your average person break into a sweat, and yet my paws are always wet. If you put them on the floor and help me walk, I leave little footprints in my wake. Not sure I really understand how this whole thing works, but I’m pretty sure it does not bode well for my sweaty future.
I also included a picture of dad lending me his legs so that I can stand up better. It’s my dad-crutch of sorts.

Giddy Up!

Meet my horse, Papi. He’s a bit long in the tooth, but he still gets the job done. Sure, on occasion he doesn’t respond real well to me kicking him, so I have to yank big handfuls of his hair, and he yelps like a baby, but generally it gets him back in line. Not sure how long he has until the glue factory comes a callin’, but for now he’ll do fine.

Ruffage

Yesterday was awesome! 70 degrees and sunny! So, mom, dad, and I decided that we’d go outside at grandpa’s and get a bite to eat. Not so sure I really enjoyed my leafs or my dried grass, but a girl has to get her fiber somehow. Anyway, so we’re off to the airport to spend a few hours on a plane heading home. Hopefully the weather and the airlines will cooperate and I’ll not have to spend hours on the ground screaming at mom and dad.

Looking good in the cold!

So, as we previously discussed, its cold….damn cold in fact. But, the one thing that I like about the cold is that I get to break out my “real” winter clothing and try some stuff on that I don’t usually get to wear at home. For example, check out the matching scarf and hat, dope! So, while I’m freezing my pooper off out here in the mid-west, don’t feel bad for me, because I flossing my winter clothing in style!

Mother....have you no shame?!

Oh the indignity, the inhumanity! What you see above my friends, is not a sad baby. It is not a confused baby. It is not a moping baby. No. What you see above is a baby who is trying desperately to poop! You might wonder, “Why Mallory, would someone take such a picture of you?” Well dear friends, it is because my mother – Mommy Dearest if you please – is a monster! I have no privacy! Sure, I guess I should “thank” her – if thank is the right word – for deleting the video of this event which she took at the same time. I guess I should “thank” her for not embarrassing me any more than she already has. So, mother, thank you for not airing my clinched fists, my pushing grunts, or my smile of relief when my “gift” had been delivered….such gross perversion.

Is that my breath I see?!

So, we took are little trip to St. Louis to visit some family, and so far all I can tell you for sure it that its damn cold! The reason I can’t tell you much is that first off, I’m so confused about what time it is, I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to be doing or where I’m supposed to be doing it, so I’ve defaulted into sleep mode. Add to that my new (barrowed) big blue Cookie Monster outfit and you’ll see that my peripheral vision has been severally limited, thus I really can’t see anything most of the time. Nevertheless, I want to give a shout out to my main-man Drayson for the loaner….God knows my parents would have just thrown some tee shirts on me and called it a day. Point being, its cold. Mallory out.

Get your stinkin' paws off my toy!

Look pops, its fine if you want to drag me outside on a nice day so that you and my meal ticket can have a bite to eat in the sun. BUT, if you must drag me outside, let me be! You force me to come outside with my toys, plop me down and then insist on playing with my toys! For F’s sake man, STOP IT! You focus on your food, I’ll focus on my toys….and also, if you could please, take this freaking hat off me…please.

Superstaaaaa!

Mom and I took a trip to the zoo the other day with some friends and it was sunny! Before we went out, mom slathered me up with a through coating of sun retardant and then she stuck these doggles on my head. Now, while I might look great in them, I’m not a fan…not at all! Luckily, after Kara was done pulling my hand down over and over again so Mom could take a picture, I was able to vanquish the beasts and put them in my mouth and gnaw the hell out of them. Actually, with my two lower pseudo-teeth, I was able to do a bit of damage to the paint job…mmmmm, Made in China lead based paint, tasty!

What the hell are you looking at?!

Dad says that its embarrassing how many toys I have. He says that I’m just as bad as the dogs. He claims that the dogs and I have so many toys that we don’t even know what to do with them all, and that we all sit dumbfounded in the midst of them all unsure of which to play with first. Well, I say, “too many” is a relative term! Sure, I have a few toys, in my bedroom, a few more in the living room, a few more in the kitchen, and a couple more in the office. But, just think of how much energy you save by not having to lug them from room to room! Really, me having a lot of toys, is actually doing you a favor….you’re welcome!

Pop in a Box!

So, from time to time, dad heads out of town for work, or something. Anyway, the other day when dad was out of town, mom and I were chillin’ at her desk and all of a sudden BAM! Dad’s on her desk…well, not really on her desk, he’s in her computer! Crazy stuff! Not really sure I totally understand this whole VOIP thing, but needless to say, dad was in the house, which was cool. So, we chatted for a bit, then I decided I was going to climb in the computer with him….as you can see from the screenshot of our chat. Needless to elaborate on, I hit a wall of sorts.

Toof Proof!

If you look reaaaaal close, you can see the toofs of which I previously spoke, cha, cha, cha!

Compadres!

Some of you have asked what it is that us babies talk about when we decide to provide you with some verbiage, so Mallory is here to educate. But, because so few of you simpletons apparently speak at the level of sophistication to which I am accustomed, I have prepared a translations of my remarks, so tilt your heads and listen up!
"Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. Thank you."

On the verge of a meltdown….

What, my friends, you are looking at is the last peaceful moments of composure before I just let loose with an 11 (I like to turn it up to 11) on the Meltdown Scale. It’s not something that I’m proud of, it had just been a long day, not enough naps, and I had just gotten done with my swimming lesson – which I did enjoy – and I was pretty much 100% out of gas. Anyway, I’m providing this picture as a public service to all of you who might happen to see this expression. Basically, if you see this look, you have about….5 minutes to get me nap or a boob, otherwise….well, you’ve been warned.

What, no white sweater for me?

Only one of us thought it would be “fun” to dress alike. Only one of us thought it would be “cute” if we had the same thing on. Only one of us claimed that it was an “accident” when it was pointed out to her that we had the exact same thing on. Only one of us tickled me to make me stop snarling and smile in this picture. Only one of us objected to going out in public dressed like a fool. And, only one of us apparently gets no say in anything! If I had more digital dexterity, I’d point out who made me look like a fool!

Sniffle, Sniffle….

So, I’ve got a little bit of a cold. I was thinking of how best I could tell you about it, but since I can’t really tell you about the amount of snot I have building up in my head/body, I thought I’d get you a picture of some of my boogies! Feel free to click on the image for a better view. So, check the mirror and enjoy the science in action! Anyhoo, you should hear me snore and sniffle, it’s awesome, more tomorrow…